Finding out you have genital herpes can knock you sideways. For a lot of people, the hardest part isn't the diagnosis itself. It's working out how to tell someone you have herpes.
So let's make it easier. This guide covers why telling a partner matters, the facts worth knowing first, how to actually say it and how you can lower the risk together.
Not sure your symptoms are herpes yet? Our comparison of chlamydia, herpes and thrush can help you tell them apart before you have that chat.
Herpes is a common infection, not a reflection of who you are. Telling a partner is about sharing the facts, not owning up to something.
Do you have to tell someone you have herpes?
Legally, not always. But you should, and before any sexual contact.
Herpes spreads through skin-to-skin contact with the affected area. That means oral sex counts too, not just vaginal and anal sex.1
It matters even when you feel completely fine. The virus can be passed on when there are no visible sores or blisters at all.1
Already in a relationship? Tell your partner as soon as you can, so you can make a plan together from there.
What does the law say?
In England and Wales, there's no general legal requirement to tell a partner you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI).2
That doesn't mean there are no legal risks. If someone knows they have herpes and intentionally or recklessly passes it on to another person, they could face criminal prosecution.
Whether an offence has been committed depends on the circumstances, including the precautions taken and whether their partner consented to the risk.2
If you're unsure where you stand, a sexual health clinic can talk you through it.
Being upfront isn't really about the law. It's about giving your partner the full picture before they decide what they're comfortable with.
How common is herpes in the UK?
More common than most people realise. Herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). There are two types, HSV-1 and HSV-2, and both can cause genital herpes.1
In 2025, sexual health services in England recorded 28,779 diagnoses of first-episode genital herpes, up 3.1% on the previous year. Only chlamydia and gonorrhoea were diagnosed more often.3
And those are just the people who got diagnosed. Symptoms can take weeks or even years to appear, so plenty of people carry the virus without knowing.1
Herpes is one of the most common STIs in England. It's far more ordinary than its reputation suggests.
How is genital herpes passed on?
Knowing how herpes spreads helps you answer your partner's questions with confidence. It also takes some of the fear out of it, for both of you.
During an outbreak
Herpes is most contagious from the first tingle or itch of an outbreak, before any blisters appear, until the sores have fully healed.1
It spreads through skin-to-skin contact with the affected area. That includes vaginal, anal and oral sex, sharing sex toys and a cold sore touching the genitals.1
When there are no symptoms
This is the bit older advice often got wrong. Herpes can be passed on even when you have no sores, no tingling and no sign anything's going on. Doctors call this asymptomatic shedding.
How often this happens varies from person to person, and it generally becomes less common over time. The risk is higher in the first 6 months after infection, and the NHS says passing it on this way is rare after 2 years.1 Rare isn't the same as impossible, though.
And you can't catch genital herpes from towels, toilet seats or swimming pools.1 That's often a relief to hear.
No symptoms doesn't always mean no risk. That's why safer sex still matters between outbreaks, not just during them.
How to tell someone you have herpes
There's no perfect script. But a bit of planning makes the conversation a lot easier.
Get your facts straight first
The first step in working out how to tell someone you have herpes is reading up. If you know how it spreads and how it's managed, you can answer questions calmly instead of guessing.
It can also help to practise what you'll say, out loud or with a friend you trust.
Pick the right moment
Choose a time when you're both relaxed, sober and alone, with no rush to be anywhere else. Somewhere private works best.
Timing matters too. Tell them before anything physical happens, not in the heat of the moment or afterwards.
Keep it simple and direct
Lead with the facts. Something like: "Before things go any further, I want you to know I have genital herpes. It's really common and I manage it. Can I tell you a bit about it?"
Try to avoid dramatic openers like "I've got some terrible news." Your partner will take their cue from you, so calm and matter-of-fact works best.
Don't apologise
You haven't done anything wrong. Herpes is an infection, not a moral failing.
Being upfront shows you care about your partner's health. That's something to be proud of, not sorry for.
Be ready for questions
Most people know very little about herpes, so expect a few questions. They might ask how often you get outbreaks, whether you're on treatment and what it means for your sex life.
Answer honestly. If you don't know something, say so and look it up together.
Give them time
Some people take the news in their stride. Others need a few days to think it over. Both are normal.
Try not to push for an answer straight away. And if they react badly, remember that their reaction isn't a verdict on you.
Your tone sets the scene. Treat herpes as the common, manageable condition it is, and you give your partner room to do the same.
How can you lower the risk for your partner?
Once it's out in the open, you can make a plan together. No single step takes the risk to zero, but combining a few makes a real difference.
- Avoid sex during outbreaks - skip vaginal, anal and oral sex from the first tingle until the sores have fully healed.1
- Use condoms every time - they lower the risk, but herpes can still pass on if the condom doesn't cover the affected skin.1
- Do not share sex toys - or if you do, wash them and put a condom on them.1
- Ask whether daily antiviral treatment suits you - it isn't right for everyone, but it can help (more on this below).
Can antiviral treatment help?
There's no cure for genital herpes. Once you have the virus, it stays in your body, but treatment can help you manage it.1
If a prescriber thinks treatment would help, they may offer an antiviral medicine such as valaciclovir. In the UK, it's licensed to treat genital herpes outbreaks and, taken daily, to suppress outbreaks that keep coming back.4
Not everyone needs it. Outbreaks often settle on their own, and treating a repeat outbreak may only shorten it by a day or two.1 The NHS says people who have more than 6 outbreaks a year may benefit from taking antiviral medicine for 6 to 12 months.1
Valaciclovir isn't licensed specifically to prevent transmission. But its UK prescribing information includes evidence that daily treatment, combined with safer sex, lowers the risk of passing HSV-2 to a partner.4
The study behind this involved heterosexual couples where one partner had HSV-2 and the other didn't. Daily treatment cut the risk of passing it on by around 48%.4 The results may not apply equally to everyone, and treatment didn't remove the risk completely.
Do not treat antiviral tablets as a replacement for condoms or for avoiding sex during outbreaks. They work best alongside both.
A prescriber can talk you through whether treating outbreaks as they happen or taking daily treatment is right for you.
If your partner is pregnant
Take extra care if your partner is pregnant. Catching genital herpes for the first time during pregnancy can put the baby at risk of a serious illness called neonatal herpes.1 The risk is highest if the infection happens in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy.1
Make sure your partner's midwife or GP knows you have herpes, so they can advise you both. If your partner develops any symptoms during pregnancy, they should see their midwife or GP straight away.1
Can you still date with herpes?
Absolutely. Dating with herpes is something lots of people do, and a diagnosis doesn't mean your sex life is over.
It's worth thinking about when you'll bring it up. Some people mention it early, before feelings get serious. Others wait until they know someone a little better, but always before things get physical.
And if someone isn't okay with it? That's disappointing, but it's their choice to make. It says nothing about your worth, and it doesn't mean the next person will feel the same way.
A herpes diagnosis changes how you plan for sex. It doesn't change whether you deserve a happy relationship.
Where can you get support?
You don't have to figure this out alone. A sexual health clinic can answer questions, help with treatment and give advice on talking to partners. Many offer a walk-in service.1
The Herpes Viruses Association, a UK charity, also offers information and support for people living with herpes.
Speak to a sexual health clinic or GP if:
- Your partner develops blisters, sores, tingling or itching around their genitals
- You're having frequent outbreaks and want to talk about daily treatment
- You or your partner are pregnant or planning a pregnancy (speak to your midwife or GP too)
- You're finding the diagnosis hard to cope with emotionally
If your partner gets symptoms, they should get checked at a sexual health clinic while the sores are still there. The test needs a visible sore to swab.
Frequently asked questions
Do condoms protect against herpes?
Condoms lower the risk of passing on herpes, but they don’t remove it completely. Herpes spreads through skin-to-skin contact, so it can still pass between partners if the condom doesn’t cover the affected area. Using condoms every time, avoiding sex during outbreaks and asking about daily antiviral treatment gives the best protection when combined.
What’s the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2?
HSV-1 and HSV-2 are the two types of herpes simplex virus. HSV-1 is the type usually behind cold sores, while HSV-2 has traditionally been linked to genital herpes. But both types can cause genital herpes, and HSV-1 now causes many first genital infections. HSV-2 tends to cause repeat outbreaks more often.
Can you get genital herpes from a cold sore?
Yes. If someone with a cold sore gives oral sex, the virus can pass to their partner’s genitals. That’s why it’s worth avoiding oral sex when either of you has a cold sore or feels one coming on. It also means a partner who gets cold sores already carries a type of herpes simplex virus.
Can my partner get tested for herpes?
Your partner can get tested at a sexual health clinic if they have symptoms. The test uses a swab taken from a blister or sore, so it can’t be done if there’s nothing visible. It also can’t show how long someone has had herpes or who they got it from. A clinic can talk through their options.
Is it okay to tell someone you have herpes over text?
Face to face is usually best, as you can read each other’s reactions and answer questions as they come up. But if you’re anxious, or you’ve only chatted online so far, a calm message can be a reasonable first step. Keep it factual, offer to talk properly and give them time. Either way, tell them before you have sex.
References
- NHS. Genital herpes. NHS website; 2023. nhs.uk
- Crown Prosecution Service. Intentional or Reckless Sexual Transmission of Infection. Crown Prosecution Service; 2023. cps.gov.uk
- UK Health Security Agency. Sexually transmitted infections and screening for chlamydia in England: 2025 report. GOV.UK; 2026. gov.uk
- GlaxoSmithKline UK. Valtrex 500 mg film-coated tablets: Summary of Product Characteristics. Electronic Medicines Compendium; 2026. medicines.org.uk/emc
This article is intended for informational purposes only and does not replace professional medical advice. Always read the patient information leaflet supplied with your medication and speak to a healthcare professional if you have specific concerns.